Thursday, 20 May 2010

Borderline Personality Disorder...& Me.

These are my thoughts on living with Borderline Personality Disorder & Bipolar Disorder. This is the original, first video that I posted and I hope it helps others to understand BPD more.

Take My Hand….
I can try to help you to understand, I want you to understand. It has been hard to find the right words, I’ve had to stop and think, to try to explain. To write all of this down, is so hard for me. Where do I start….so many things….my head racing, I’m drowning in my thoughts, with all the things I want to say…

I put my make-up on every day, before I face the world. The real mask that I use to cover up the real me. I can’t go out of my room to let the world see who I really am. To cover up the real me, only I see the bare-faced, raw, broken girl that is me.

I wear my imaginary mask to give you hope and belief, that I’m truly and honestly okay. It may be invisible, this mask that I wear, but I can feel that mask in front of me. It’s hard to wear this mask I want so badly to cover me. Sometimes no matter how hard I try, my mask falls from me…

Behind my defences, there’s a broken child, battling a war inside. I don’t know who I really am, what words to use to describe me, the ones that make me, what title bring you to know…who is the real me. I don’t know what I want from this life.

I get scared, I can feel the fear in my eyes, can you take my hand…tell me everything will be alright. There’s always a war inside my head. A war of confusion, sadness, anger…Black. White. Love. Hate…Yes. No….
I never really know…

My heart beats at a pace I can’t keep up with, somebody take me away from all of this. I feel alone, so empty, in so much pain. Yet I’m not alone, the battle will never let my be truly alone.

I always want my pain to end, everything I feel, how can I feel so strong. Sometimes I fall from what I hold on to, I let go and find no way to be strong. Sometimes I am weak, I tire of the fight inside of me. But outside, no flaws or marks show on that mask of me.

You ask me if I’m okay, those three words I hear so much. I know my response, I know it so well. ‘Are you okay’…’How are you’…I think, ‘No, I’m not okay’….Inside I’m screaming. Inside, the tears only I know need to fall. I want you to know… how there’s hell and vicious circles…inside of me.

I’ve promised myself, all my life, never to lie. Yet there I stand, I look at you and feel that mask build strong in front of me. ‘I’m okay…Yes. I’m fine’…

The only part of me that is brave, is when I stand and tell you that ‘I’m okay. I’m fine’. What do I get from that lie? That maybe one day I’ll mean what I say.
You see, really, I know…I’ll never be free.

Every single event of the day, touches me. I feel the world against me. I’m always aware yet I never know what will be next. I worry all of the time, what’s around the corner, what is next. I dread the next touch, yet I constantly seek a hand to hold, a voice to give me strength. Written words of meaning…
to tell me I will be okay.

I feel lost and alone but know there are people there for me. Sometimes I look at you in silence but inside is so loud, never an end to the war. Sometimes I am louder than you, I try to block out the battle inside of me. Never leave me, don’t let me be alone. I panic, I’m worried you’ll never be back for me. All of this I scream inside of me. I love you, I hate you. But no matter what, I need you. I see things in black and white, my heart is hurting and I have to hurt….. myself…

Give me a reason for all of these feelings. I’ve never been able to find one. My pain is never ending, I’m scared of the world but when I do feel strong….the times I feel brave and okay…..I’m always wrong.
You aren’t to blame, it’s not your fault.

My memories, mainly a blur, so many regrets, I’ve lost so many things. I don’t know how much more pain I can take. I wonder every day….how I’m still here, fighting a battle I know I’ll never win. I just want to sleep to block out the noise, yet my nightmares bring my fears to me. I can never get to sleep.

I’m awake in the night, the things around me somehow don’t feel real…am I really alive…am I really here…..I need to feel the grip of your hand, to take me away, to make me feel real. Only…I know I’m breathing….my heart, it’s beating. But for how much longer…I think to myself.

I’m lucky, though, if I do get to sleep. My head buzzing, all this noise, yet I’m sat in the silence. All by myself. My eyes feel so heavy, it’s gone 3am, my morning alarm…it will go off soon. How will I face another day. My head, it’s too busy to want to fall asleep. Sometimes I’m too scared to sleep. Will I wake up, do I want to. What will tomorrow bring, I always hope tomorrow will not need me there.

I wake in the morning, I look in that dreaded, evil mirror. I see those dark mascara marks, from the night before. Those dark marks …resting on my skin…there’s no mascara there…those marks are me. Under my eyes, they stay. A forever reminder of how I struggled…that previous day. Sometimes it feels I’ve been awake for an eternity. My reality, I’ve been awake for more than seventeen hours today.

I’ve lost so many things, all these ideas, the feelings of hope, feeling so brave. That anything is possible. Endless money, amazing jobs, all those expensive things. My imagination so alive, my thoughts can only be made into real life….right? Stop. Impulsive mind, here I am, on a high. You can’t have any of those things. Hope disappears, my world soon crashes back down. Terrified, alone, dark and one without hope. Give up now. That’s my reality, when high, goes back down to it’s low.

I struggle sometimes to wake in the morning. I lose my strength, what’s the point in carrying on. There’s no hope, nothing out there that’s worth living for. Everything becomes a struggle. I feel broken, I want to break down, fall onto the floor and admit defeat…better than that, run away….to a far away place. If I do that, I can’t ever get away. My Borderline Personality Disorder, will always be right here with me. I need you to save me, get me back up…
Tell me to hold on.

I’m never the same, always somebody else. A few hours or days. Change…Change…Change. Angry, irritable, impatient…take a deep breath, I remind myself, Walk The Other Way. My mask starts to slip, I have to stop myself from causing harm, stop those hurtful words from hurting one of you. My anger could cause damage, if I let it. But I won’t, I can’t and it never ever will. Because. There’s no strength left in me to bring this world down alone.

Sometimes I want to cry, I want to feel that I’m real, all this pain and emotion inside but why do I feel so numb? I tell you, I do. I sometimes feel the tears sting the corners of my eyes, but they will hardly ever fall. I swallow my emotions, it’s all there….deep inside. I’ll never let them out.
It could be the most perfect, peaceful day. But I still feel like this. Find me a reason. But nobody can, nobody is able to. There is no reason, it doesn’t exist.

I try not to let all my true feelings show, I don’t want anybody to know. But, there’s a part of me that is one normal human. Which means….emotions do show. Sometimes. Sometimes, you’ll know, that look on my face or those few words that I dare to say. You’ll be able to tell, I’m not okay today. My mask is falling from my face, tears sting the corners of my eyes.

I have scars…of all kinds. Scars people have given me, scars I’ve given myself. There’s no part of me that is proud. Yet every time I look at my scars, the scars that rest so peacefully on me. I can’t help but feel some comfort. They are always there, they never change. Unlike me, they stay the same. They remind me that I’m real, that things do eventually heal. Then I know, looking closely at them, there’s always a reminder, some thing you can never forget. Each has a story, my body full of stories, by each scar that lies with me.

I have one simple wish…I wish I could be free from all this pain inside…Free. Like a butterfly with an endless path of freedom but security. I’m locked inside, the key has been taken away. Find it for me, please. Somebody. Let me be free.

I know the eyes are windows to the soul but when you look at me, can you honestly tell me you know all there is to know about me. I want you to look at me, I’ll look back at you. In silence. Look at me. The windows to my soul are soundproof, you don’t hear one single thing. But when I look back at you….I’m screaming. I don’t say a word. Break the windows to my soul and you’ll find…I need you here with me. Please don’t ever leave me.
Please don’t ever leave me.

There are so many things that I could write, my life a story that will never be fully told. So, keep hold of my hand, don’t let me go…keep going……there’s more I’ve got to tell.

I could write for a thousand more pages and even after all of these words, my head never peaceful. How is it that I can write so much but I can’t ever find the write words to say.

Hate. Love. Hate. I don’t need you but, really, I know I do. There’s not just a battle inside my head, there’s a battle no matter what I try my hardest to do. My life I can’t control, it’s out of my reach. Control. Lost, none at all. Control…Gone. Will I ever get it back.

I hate the way I look, so many imperfections. I need to be perfect, so flawless that the world will not think there’s anything at all wrong with me. I wish I was perfect. I’ve got no control. The mirror, I’ll always hate looking into that reflection so, so much.

I don’t want people to know that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, in case they think I’m crazy. But, why then, am I writing this for you? I want you to know what it’s like…I want others with BPD to know they are never alone in what they suffer. I admit to you, I’m scared people will leave me and forget about me because I’m labelled ‘BPD’.

You have to try and remember that it’s BPD that rules me, you hardly ever see the real person I want to call…Me. But, I want people to know what goes on inside of me, the things I face with every single day. Because I want you to understand, try. Please try. The thing that hurts me the most is, I did not wish for BPD to be with me.

There are things in my life that I wish I could forget. There isn’t much to look forward to, in my eyes. But I do have some things to hold on to, what I’d be without them, I wouldn’t be here writing this now. The music in my ears, the only sound that can get into my head, the words so powerful, sometimes it’s all I have. The songs that feel my pain, lost in a world of music, those words that tell every story,. So I don’t have to.

Through all my love and hate, splitting and black and white…I have the friends who have stayed with me, through all I do. Please know that you mean so much to me, I fear one day you’ll leave me, that you’ll never want me around. You won’t want to hear my voice but I want to hear yours. Where would I be without you, please know I’m here for you. I understand you even though I don’t understand myself. I can give advice, but I don’t want to listen to myself. Know I’ll be there for you, at the end of each day.

Haunted girl….lost in this dead end world. People say hurtful words to me. Things that cause harm to me. Painful memories, there are reasons why Borderline Personality Disorder has got a hold of me. Say one damaging word, it stays with me for so long. Leave me all alone, I hurt for so many days.
My mind is a place nobody ever wants to be.

Bruises fade… memories try and stay. I try to send them away. The wounds, they heal but leave the scars. Memories that hurt, live inside of me. I’ll never forgive you, those horrible things you do, you can’t fix me. Don’t even try. Never come back to me, I can live without you.

Walking in a world, a world I don’t know. People walk past me, if only they knew. If only you knew, the hurt inside of me. Walk past me, walk next to me. Every step you take, whatever direction it may be, I feel it in my heart. Footsteps that hurt…what are they saying about me. Footsteps that I know won’t go away from me. Some I want to follow me, some I want to walk away.

Don’t ever leave me, I need you here
You’re the only one…who really knew me at all…

Often I sit by myself, lost in deep, terrifying thoughts. I’m scared of being wrong, if I rise to the occasion. Scared of being knocked back down again. People call me stupid, she doesn’t know a thing. Those very words, they say to me. I know I’m smart, I know I’m clever. Just scared of my own opinion, Is it really me.

I hate my reflection and what others see and think of me. I’ve been told I’m a failure, useless, I have no place in this world. Pathetic girl, grow up. Go on, go get a life. I believe you now. You’re right. Thank you for saying those hurtful, damaging words to me.

Somebody save me…please try. But I know that nobody can. So, I’ve learnt to take a deep breath, march on again. Head high. Never bring me down. Never feel afraid. On the outside, those things may be true. Inside none of that is real. I’m scared, I’m hiding, everything brings me down. So, I’ll fake a smile, I’ll get through the pain. Hold my head high, my heart still beats and I still breathe…

Take My Hand….
Through the storm…I’m reaching out for you. But there’s no one there for me to hold. When you walk away from me, I never want you to leave. I’m reaching out for you, asking you to stay. Behind the eyes that you look in to. I don’t say a word so all I can do is watch you go and hope you will be back for me. The word ‘goodbye’ cuts me deep inside. Please don’t forget about me, that You left me standing here.

I’m unwanted, not needed. I feel this way. I take a walk, for this should clear any normal person’s head. A clear head. Something I’ve always wanted. Something I know I’ll never be able to have. I don’t believe in much but I strongly believe I have an angel. One maybe more. Watching over me, picking me up when I fall down. Standing with me when I’m so weak, catching my tears if they ever manage to fall from me. Taking away the pain, holding my hand. It will be okay. If this wasn’t true, I wouldn’t be here with you today. Sometimes, you know, that angel, That angel is you.

Trapped like this…there’s no way out. So numb but I feel all this pain. I’ve lost all the feeling but I can feel my heart beating inside the cold, broken girl that I have no choice but to call me. Sat in a room that’s one hundred degrees, but I feel so cold. Numb but I feel all this pain.
Alive but barely here with you.

Sometimes I don’t want to see anybody at all, sometimes I just want time. But don’t abandon me, I’m so scared of being alone. I’m always torn…from what I want, from what I really need. Survival, survivor, Never let go.

Now you’ve read all of this, please know that I’m not trying to make you feel guilty…about all those times you’ve walked away and left me. All the times you’ve never sat with me, not heard the screams inside of me. When you’ve said something hurtful, when you’ve let go of my hand and walked the other way. When you’ve forgotten to call me back, when you’ve forgotten to tell me to stay strong and ask ‘so, really, how are you?’. When you’ve not had the time to listen to me, I don’t mind.
Just hold my hand, take a look at me now…

I wish I could make you turn back and look at the hurt that is written all over me. I’m not trying to make you feel guilty. I’m letting you know that this is what it is like for me. This is what it is like…for me and the Borderline Personality Disorder that takes over me.

So, I told you I never want to lie but the only time that I do is so you don’t have to worry one single bit about me. So I can be here to help you at any time, no matter what may be troubling you. I don’t know what lies ahead in my life or in yours, it’s too hard to think that far ahead. Each day is hard enough, never mind being able to think so far ahead.

There are a few things, though, that I do know…

When you feel me hold your hand…when I hug you close, all those times I trust you enough to look you in the eyes. When I never forget about you, when I never forget to ask if you’re okay. When I’m always there, to offer my hand out for you to hold. All the times I say I’ll be there for you, when I remember to say…thank you. When I greet you with a smile, when I let you into my life, just like now… I’m standing next to you…there is no lie. That’s me, I’m there. All of those times, that’s when I’m trying to tell you, you mean so much to me. You’ll know you’ve got a part of me. Help me to be free.

Take My Hand….hug me tight. Trust me to save you when you’re feeling pain. Tell me I’ll be okay, that you’ll never leave me. Let me know, you’ll always be there. Help me to feel so very safe with words of comfort, Just a hand to hold. Walk with me, follow if I try to run away.

You are strong, you are brave. Don’t worry…I’m here. When you feel weak or when you need support , imagine me standing there with you, leading the way and being there for you… I’ll be with you when you feel alone, when you need someone there.

But when you ask me if I’m okay, take my answer. You know it now…’I’m okay, yes. I’m fine’. Look me in the eyes and know that, of everything else, that is the only lie. I’ll look back at you and tell you there’s hell and vicious circles inside of me, You’ll know I’ll be screaming. Yet I won’t say a single word. The only one to hear my voice, to feel the pain I feel. All the confusion, how different I seem to be. The only one is me…..
I’ll keep it all inside.

Take My Hand….

Sometimes there’s truth in lies. So don’t ever leave me, tell me you’re standing next to me when I’m alone, when I feel weak. Make me strong, tell me that you’ll protect me and be there for me. Try to heal my pain, All I need is your hand.
So, take my hand. Keep me near…
Please, keep me safe. When there is life, there is hope…x