Thursday, 20 May 2010

Remember That I’m Here

This is about what BPD is like for me...
Another poem I have written about Borderline Personality Disorder. It's not easy to try and put everything in words as it's really difficult to explain but this one is a bit simpler than my other BPD poem.

There’s never a day when I feel free,
Never peaceful, never how I want to be,
What you see, when you see me smile,
It’s hiding everything I really feel

There’s pain inside, all of the time,
Pain. Fear. Hurt.
Nothing has to happen for me to change,
Nothing has to change for me to feel so many different ways.

Time won’t heal me,
Sometimes I wonder why I even try,
As whenever I do, the fall takes away the healing,
And yet again I’m back to where I was before.

All those times,
All those pictures that hold bright, engraved memories,
There’s that smile upon my face,
It seems to be everything,
So why don’t I see the best things,
Only I see right through to who I truly know

If only the best times never ended,
Although I never want them to be here at all,
Sometimes I think the world of you,
Other times I don’t want to know you at all,
Although there are some people and some times when,
I would fall apart without you there with me.

Please don’t forget about me,
My deepest fears are that you’ll leave me,
That you won’t remember me,
That I’d take the fall and maybe one day…
I wouldn’t stand again.

Don’t let go,
I love you, I hate you but I need you,
Can you see me…do you know that I’m here?

Sometimes you know I’m around,
Although I really don’t know how to be,
What to say, regret and fear, worry and no truth,
What you see, it’s all lies,
Only I know the pain that I feel every day,
Those days that I am with you,
All that time I’m hiding away.

Sometimes, even if I seem to be okay,
You should know that sometimes…
I am so near to giving up,
I fall and my weakness shows

Every day this is what I face,
Pain. Fear. Hurt.
all the strength I thought I had… leaves me again.
Can you see me…do you know that I’m here?

The mask is flawless, a strong person stands there but…
I’m falling apart,
I have no reason,
Then I have no strength,
Only the two colours that I see,
Sometimes it’s all okay but I’m always reminded…
Never able to forget…

Don’t let go,
I love you, I hate you but I need you,
Can you see me…
Please don’t forget about me…

It feels like the weight of the world,
On my small shoulders,
So much to say,
It’s easier to stay silent

The times I run away…
I forget about all the people that are there,
The people that have promised me they will be there,
That they will never leave me,
I still fear that you will leave me,
That you won’t be around,
That you will let go of that tight grip on my hand.

All the times I say that I’m so sorry…
Think what it could mean.
Take care of what you ask of me,
Because I know that,
The end of life…has no pain at all.
So I have to let go…why does the pain have to stay with me…

Please don’t let me go…
It’s up to you to keep hold of me.
Remember that I’m here.